A Wallet Full of Scrambled Eggs


Something happened to me recently that I’m willing to bet is new to the annals of farming.  All of us “country folk” know that carrying eggs in your pockets, especially in tight jeans, is not a good idea. Should you bend over, the eggs are very likely to break. But I was not thinking. We had just come home in early evening from two strenuous days on the road and I just wanted to go to bed for about two years. But being a country folk, I had farm animals to look after first. I had left enough feed and water in the coop so I could leave the hens penned up while we were gone to keep them safe from raccoons, mink, foxes, and various other dragons of the woods. Now, running on empty, I staggered zombie-like to the barn to let the hens out to roam a little before dark after two days of imprisonment.

I decided to gather the eggs too. Having been penned away from their favorite nesting sites in the barn, the hens had laid 14 eggs, 8 in the nest boxes and 6 in a corner on the floor. I did not spy the 6 on the floor until I was about the leave the coop, with four eggs in each hand. Usually I am wearing a jacket with ample pocket space for that many eggs but not now. Instead of being smart and leaving the 6 on the floor until I came back up later to close the hens in for the night, I decided to stick 6 of the 8 eggs in my hands in my jean pockets and pick up the other 6 on the floor. When I bent over, the eggs in the right pocket popped because, with my wallet also in residence, it was a tight fit all around.

My only thought was to try to get the cracked eggs out of the pocket before slimy yokes seeped down through the pocket lining, through pants leg, through underwear, rolling like a minor tsunami toward my ankles. In panic, I first emptied the eggs out of the left pocket to prevent further breakage and dropped them on the floor. Two of them broke in the process. Then, as I tried to fish the cracked ones out of the right pocket, they caved in completely and the yolks and whites soaked through my clothes.

For some reason, no doubt because I am a child of the money economy, my biggest distress was over my billfold. It was covered in yellow slime. I hurried over to the machine shed where I knew some rags were hanging, and commenced to clean up my proud symbol of capitalism. Then I tried to wipe the yokes and white stuff out of the pocket although by now much of it was all sliding lasciviously down my leg. The odd part of the whole affair was that I did not boil over with cursing and swearing. I was too tired even for that.

The penetrating power of egg goo is something to behold. Back at the house, I spent a half hour cleaning egg yolk out of the billfold and off of eight dollar bills and two twenties. Had I not done that, the paper money would have been stuck together forever. So I ask you: has anyone else ever had to clean egg yolk off his or her hard earned cash?  I also had to painstakingly wipe off my driver’s license, Medicare card, a credit card and several photos of very cute grandkids.

The good news is that egg yolk or white or a combination thereof seems to have a beneficial effect on leather. The outside of the billfold now shines like a new one. Maybe the next time I am stupid enough to put eggs in jeans pockets, I’ll just let the goo slide on down my leg to give my shoes a good shine.


I have a flannel that got egg on the sleeve, and I let it dry. I’ve washed it three or four times since then, and the egg remains.

Gene once again shows us the lighter side of farming. Keep it up! People need to know that it’s an enjoyable lifestyle.

That’s why you need to wear a hat. My trusty straw hat often serves as an egg basket. As far as nasty stuff on money, never egg. My one daughter when she was about five years old put a couple dollars in an empty tic tak box and pitched it in the privy. Her comment was,” nobody will get it there.” No one did, not even her.

Next time… and there will be a next time… just pull the bills out and throw them into the washer with your gooey pants, socks and undies. Money launders beautifully. Sorry about the photos, though!

Ah, the universal egg-in-the-jeans-pocket experience! I heard of a variation from one woman who went out to gather in jeans too tight to get a dollar bill in, let alone an egg. But she had on a halter top…

You folks make it so much fun to write this column. I have another eggscapade I remember vividely from childhood. I fell down the cellar steps with a basket full of eggs I had just gathered. Broke 96 eggs. How do I know? There were 102 eggs in the basket and only six did not break. And Mom never let me forget it. Gene

I once put a single egg in the pocket of my heavy winter coat. The rest were in my hands. Naturally I forgot about that one lonely egg. That day turned out to be the last really cold day of the winter, so the coat went in the closet until the next fall… when I put the same coat on and found the egg. Thankfully, it didn’t break at that point, but I was shocked that we never smelled a thing.

Thanks for starting my morning off with a laugh. So far I haven’t had and egg “situation”, but I know it’s coming, lol. I’m always putting them in my coat pockets, sometimes I forget them, until I’m somewhere like the post office and go to get a pen out of my pocket, but only have an egg to write with… 😉

I can’t count the number of times I have dropped eggs on the way from the coop to the house, but it happens often enough so that my dog remembers and follows on my heels every single time. I curse when it happens… I swear she can will an egg to fall.

US currency is made of a combination of linen and cotton. Not that I want to encourage money laundering or anything, but you can. Wash it, I mean.

Just the laugh I needed after placing my rare 6 pieces of asparagus down on the chicken feeder so I could relocate 3 kittens that had “hatched” in one of the egg nests only to turn around and find my hens feasting on what would have been a nice asparagus omelet for my supper. Maybe I’ll have chicken instead. It’s good that we haven’t grown too old to laugh at ourselves. The other Deb had a pretty good idea and the visual was entertaining, too!

I was putting eggs in my jeans pocket just the other day whilst thinking I was making a terrible mistake. Thanks for confirming my suspicions. I’ll be sure to raise enough ruckus to make up for your self-possesion when I no doubt make the same mistake in the future.

As a novice farmer I can’t tell you how great it feels to be in such esteemed company. I’m guessing this must be a universal experience for farmers.

I’ve been keeping my egg cartons in the feed room and taking them with me when I feed so I don’t have to juggle eggs anymore.

Eggs for sprucing up leather, eh? Good tip and great attitude!

That’s a really sad story, Gene. Not because you are covered in goo; that’s your problem. But have you any idea of how may people are mourning the loss of eggs the quality of which very few people can even find? Respect those eggs, damn it! Nice tip about the leather, though.

That is a great story! We have all at sometime put eggs somewhere we shouldn’t have in order to get them to the house in one trip. I vividly remember my older brother carrying one egg in each hand as he rode his 10-speed down the steep hill from the coop to the house! They made it, but many others did not. My kids have recently found that a plastic grocery bag is a terrible vehicle for transporting any amount of eggs, especially more than 10, but it makes for a happy kitty.

Gene…next time, just unzip your pants and then remove the eggs from your pockets when the pants are down around your ankles. I’ve seen your henhouse and there’s no one but the chickens to see you in your undies 🙂


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